does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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