I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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