Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
