im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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