Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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