I should be sponsored by Trojan
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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