Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
