Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
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