you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
