So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
