just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
