We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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