The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
