This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
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