just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
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