Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
