A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
