So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
