Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
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