I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
