you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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