I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
