My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
