At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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