We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
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I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
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My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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