i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Randomize
