I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
my sisters under your porch take her home
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
