I smell stomach acid.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
