I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
