If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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