how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
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I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
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I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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