That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
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