If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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