I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
The feeling are messing with the penis
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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