6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
