overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
