cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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