The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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