dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Randomize
