i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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