I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
