I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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