i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
