it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
