my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
