if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
