I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
