Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
