There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
he puts the penis in happiness.
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it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
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My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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