the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
