You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
