My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
