I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
