How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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