Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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