Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
