How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
