I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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